If Life is Really as Short as They Say, Then Why is the Night so Long?

I came across this song while browsing http://garr.posterous.com/if-life-is-really-as-short-as-they-say-then-w
Awesome post, awesome song, I recommend you check it out.

So I decided to try to answer 2 out of three questions posed in this song.

What do you do with the pieces of a broken heart?
How can a man like me remain in the light?

And I'm going to let you guys answer the last one.
If life is really as short as they say, then why is the night so long?

Can there really be an answer to such questions? Who knows such things, but life is all about failing forward and if the choice is

1. Not trying and failing or
2. Trying and maybe succeeding

 Then I say we give it a whirl.

 

Q. What do you do with the pieces of a broken heart?

A. Re-frame it.

Once I was sitting next to a teacher, much like the one in this song, and he told me about his "wellness knee".

When he was a young man, he severely injured his knee in a car accident and had to get several operations just to be able to walk again. His knee was shattered and it took months of recovery just to be able to walk again. He did recover, but never fully. His knee was never at 100% again.

Now that he was a man of certain age, his bad knee was a barometer of sorts. He called it his wellness knee. If he was eating right, getting enough sleep, exercising, meditating, and generally speaking taking good care of himself, his knee would be fine. If however, he was slacking-off in one of these areas, his knee would start to hurt. His bad knee was an indicator of how well he was living. It was his wellness knee.

I thought that was a brilliant way to re-frame a negative and turn it into a positive.

Can this method be used to glue the pieces of a broken heart back together? I think so.

Whenever it happened to me, I wrote a song about it. My broken heart became a treasure trove of inspiration. In fact, I’m pretty sure that the artist who wrote this song started in a similar predicament.

There are 3 occasions that I remember having a non-romantic pain from a broken heart. Those may not be as intense and can serve as a training ground of sorts. The three times I remember was when Freddie Mercury died, the second when Frank Zappa died and third and very recent when Daddy (Cesar Millan’s pit bull) died.

See and download the full gallery on posterous

I remember having a distinct case of a slightly bruised, cracking at the seams, damn-near broken heart. In these instances I always had a tendency to remove myself from the feelings and observe them at a distance. Later, I’ve learned that in Buddhism, this is known as Observer/Observed. A kind of out-of-body experience that with little bit of practice, anyone can use to take them selves out of a situation (even if you are in the middle of it) and take on a bird’s eye view.

It doesn’t matter if you are observing your feelings and noticing how the pain makes you feel alive; or if you are observing a business meeting and noticing the entire picture, the details, taking in everyone’s posture, the mood, etc.

Final word on reframing. Humans define themselves though suffering, it’s been said.
If you can take something bad and turn it into a wellness knee, then you know what to do with a broken heart.

 

Q. How can a man like me remain in the light?

A. Its not the darkness, it’s the opportunity.

I struggled with this one, as I imagine many of us do. You see, when I was a young man living in Bosnia, Serbian armies had invaded my country. I’ve lost my father in that war, many of my close friends had perished, and I became a refugee living in tenement camps until eventually I landed in the good ol’ US of A. For many years, I’ve carried resentment and pain towards Serbs.

Until one day I heard His Holiness the Dalai Lama speak about a young boy who was forced to flee his land narrowly escaping his prosecutors who did their best to track him down and kill him, for this young boy was the spiritual leader of a nation. That boy of course, was Dalai Lama himself.

At that time, Dalai Lama was forced to take on the burden of a displaced and destroyed nation, assume both spiritual and political leadership while in exile, all the while practicing love, compassion and understanding.

So how do you show compassion to your persecutors? This is what he said and I paraphrase.

I realized, he said, that Chinese were a challenge and an obstacle I needed to deal with, but I didn’t feel resentment, hatred nor need for revenge. Instead, I saw it as an opportunity to practice forgiveness.

An opportunity to practice forgiveness.

I kinda took on faith that it was the right thing to do and it turned out that it was. The act of forgiveness is ultimately self-serving because it takes the burden away from us. The burden that we would otherwise take with us in all future situations.

Your turn.

Q. If life is really as short as they say, then why is the night so long?

 

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Everything you know about dog training is wrong. Here is why - PART THREE

The Issue of Indoctrination

In this article I will lay out the 3 primary (most popular) schools of thought, explain the pros and cons of each, and talk about that old and very human tendency to follow.

There are three main schools of thought when it comes to dog training.

1. The (William R.) Koehler method, or as it’s commonly referred to the “yank and crank” training method.
2. The Positive Training method popularized by Ian Dunbar, Karen Pryor, Jean Donaldson and many others.
3. The Pack Structure method popularized by The Monks of New Skete and Cesar Milan.

There are of course other (smaller) factions but these are the 3 big ones.

So what’s the problem?

What I’m about to say is beyond the most dog owner’s radar since most dog owners simply don’t care, but these three factions have been involved in a war of words for decades.

The battle lines are drawn, the positions have been taken, and fox holes are filled with dog professionals preaching only their method as the ultimate, the best, and the only way to train the dog.

I think the method that receives the most criticism is the “yank and crank” method. Since it’s brutal in many ways and offends today’s sensibilities, it is demonized and punished especially by the Positive Reinforcement crowd. Isn’t that the definition of irony?

If we examine methods Mr. William R. Koehler used on Lassie and Rin Tin Tin (yes, William Koehler was the trainer for Disney Productions) we do learn that some methods were very aversive.

Example: If a dog is digging up a yard, you are to fill the hole with water and shove the dog’s snout in it. He’ll learn.

Do we now know better, more humane ways of dealing with issues such as digging up a yard? Of course.

So is the Koehler method all bad? I don’t think so.

One of the principles of  Koehler method training is to apply well timed corrections with conviction.

Example: For people having problems on a walk, they often are pulled by their dog. The person may pull-back on the leash, but the pull-back is only strong enough to slow down the dog. What Mr. Koehler suggest is that we apply one (if you do it right the second correction may not be necessary) correction that the dog will remember. This is then much more humane than thousands of small, weak, nagging corrections that are ineffective in fixing the “problem”.

This is one small example of Mr. Koehler’s philosophy on training that I believe is very useful and practical. Another thing that most dog trainers (myself included) can learn from Mr. Koehler is timing. His, they say, was impeccable.

The next faction is the Positive Reinforcement crowd, led by such greats as Dr. Ian Dunbar, Karen Pryor and Jean Donaldson.

They maintain that only Positive methods are sufficient in dealing with every situation. You will recognize them by their use of clickers, the use of treats to shape behaviors, and generally sunny and pleasant disposition.

While I am very much in favor of positive training methods, we must recognize its shortcomings as well.

Positive training methods (clickers and all) were first implemented on dolphins and orca whales. Then those methods were “transferred” over to the dog world.

The argument that this camp will make as to the effectiveness and superiority of their training method is that corrections can’t be applied to whales and dolphins; you can’t put them on a leash, so all you have to rely on is positive shaping alone. And so, the argument goes, “if you can train a dolphin in this way, you can train a dog in this way as well”.

While this is true most of the time, there are two flaws in this logic.

First. The behaviors expected from dogs are infinitely more complex then that of a dolphin. Dogs must be obedient, track, protect, fetch, etc, etc. Dolphins must jump out of water on cue.

And second, I a think the most important reason is that at the end of the day, dolphins stay at the Water World, dogs actually live with us.

So if I want a dog to jump over an obstacle, I’d be well advised to use a treat to shape that behavior. However, if a dog has a bad habit of chewing on electric cables in the house (something a dolphin is unlikely to do) then the use of a shock collar may be advisable.

Moving onto the third camp.

There is a lot of jealousy (imho) directed at Cesar Milan and The Monks of New Skete. The Positive method crowd was on a fast track of ubiquitous acceptance when The Dog Whispered swooped in and stole their thunder, audience, and (to some extent) credibility.

This school emphasizes the similarity between dogs and wolves and wolves are used as a model to fulfill domestic dog’s needs for pack structure and alpha dog leader.

Btw, if you are to give wolf and dog strand of DNA to a Genetic Engineer, he would be unable to differentiate the two. Food for though. 

The effectiveness of this method is showcased every week on Cesar Milan’s Dog Whisperer as well as Divine Canine (now canceled unfortunately) by the Monks of New Skete. So what’s the problem?

I guess it’s still too rough for the Positive crowd (especially the use of the alpha roll, physical correction, etc.). So much so that The Monks have capitulated and in their later works (books, DVDs) recommended against the alpha roll.

What are the shortcoming of this method?

I think the biggest shortcomings of this method is that most people are unable to apply it effectively. Cesar Milan is great at it, but most dog owners he works with on his show are wholly unaware WHY it works. This is despite his best attempts to explain the “energy”, posture, attitude, etc.

Another issue I see with this method is its emphasis on Alpha-Dog concept. Not because it’s wrong but because of the way it’s perceived by most people.

When I say “Alpha-Dog” most people think of the “big man on campus”, the boss, the CEO, the quarterback football jock, the aggressive “take no prisoners” type, and all manner of other nonsense.

In dog (or wolf) world, alpha dog is something entirely different. Alpha dog is NOT aggressive, he is not overbearing, he is not angry, mean and nasty.

In dog (or wolf) world, alpha dog’s first job is to keep order and tranquility inside the pack. He is caring, playful and kind to the young, patient, even loving, and so many other things people usually DO NOT associate with alpha-dog behavior.

What does all this mean to the dog owner receiving instructions from a dog trainer?

Well, this brings us back to the issue of indoctrination.

If I, as a dog trainer, belong to one camp, then I am unlikely to consider other camp’s methods as valid. Perhaps one of the other camps has a very effective method of dealing with a particular issue, however, if I’m closed off to the possibility that I (or my camp) is “wrong” then I’m unlikely to know or consider other camp’s methods.

This in the end harms the dog and it harms the dog owner.

So, stop the nonsense, stop looking for ways to separate from one another, stop thinking you’re always right, and start allowing for a possibility that other camps have something valid to teach.

I should add that marketing is a factor as well. “Positive training methods only” looks really good on a business card.

In PART FOUR, we will talk about detachment. Dog professionals are detached from the process of dog training. You’ll find out WHY this is a good thing.

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